Killer Bongs: Black Acrylic, a Red Sticker and a Fair Warning

Black acrylic, a big red sticker saying KILLER, made in Germany by a hippie called Axel. For a few years in the 2000s, Killer Bongs were our own range, and this is how they happened.

Operation Pipe Dreams

Killer Bongs started in reaction to Operation Pipe Dreams. In February 2003 the US Drug Enforcement Administration ran a nationwide sting on bong and pipe sellers. 55 people were charged, and Tommy Chong, of Cheech and Chong, got nine months in federal prison for selling bongs and pipes through his son’s company.

At the time we were selling to America, so we were watching it closely. One of the cases was Chills. As I remember it, the argument went that their day-glo bongs were attracting children. The sticker on the bong said “world domination” with an alien head on it. And they said the people who sold these bongs were the same as somebody who sold a silencer that was then used in a homicide. Which, for us, was clearly mental. What a strange thing to say.

Meeting Axel

The other half of the story is a chance meeting with the coolest German I’ve ever met, Axel, at CannaBusiness, a trade show in Castrop-Rauxel in Germany. I drove there with my ex-partner in the van, and we slept in the van. We had a tiny little stand.

Flossie and Moses, two of his staff, came and bought some bongs off us. Super cool. They said I should come and meet their boss, Axel. So I met Axel, who was clearly completely disengaged, like normal. We got on well.

He was looking for distribution in England, and we were wholesaling at the time, so we sent a few emails back and forward. He told me he was talking to another wholesaler in England, Avalon Wholesale. So I said: use them, they’ll be better than us. You’ll make more money.

Avalon got told the same, that he was chatting to Willy Banjo. So while I was telling him to let Avalon sell his stuff, Avalon were telling him they’d sell miles more than us, basically pooh-poohing our business. Even though we must have spent about 30, 40 grand with them every year. Just goes to show you.

Three days in Berlin

From that, me and Axel got on even more, because he’s an old hippie at heart. He invited us to Berlin and put us up in a nice hotel. We got hammered for about three days.

Axel had two bongs that, apparently, Avalon didn’t take. One was the AK 47 and the other was what became known as the Mr Black, the small one. It was a beautiful shape. Every one of them was hand-blown, hand-drilled and hand-bevelled. Axel, I think, had developed the machinery to do it.

So I said: what we should do is a range of black bongs, and just put a big red sticker on saying KILLER. Then if it ever came to court, they can’t say we didn’t warn them.

The range

Axel produced the sticker and the bongs. There were five in the end: the AK 47, the Ripper, the Lady Killer, the Tower and the Mr Black. The Mr Black was the best seller, that and the AK 47. On the website the Tower was called the Straight Shooter, and it came in three lengths: 40cm, 60cm and 120cm. The red leaf on the Mr Black was the logo.

killerbongs.co.uk

They had their own website, killerbongs.co.uk, and it was one of the best marketing campaigns we’ve ever done. The whole thing was done like a gangster film: a widescreen DVD cover with an 18 certificate, a barcode made out of our phone number, and “Distributed by The Legendary Willy Banjo, Preston, Lancashire”.

The line-up was billed as “More than just the usual suspects”:

Big, black and mean and on the streets near you. The most ruthless collection of bongs ever assembled. Positively Bad Ass!!

And every killer had its own profile:

• The AK47. “In this climate of war you need a killer you can rely on. The AK47, the Official Peace Keeping Bong.” Underneath, the Jackie Brown line: “AK-47. When you absolutely, positively have to kill every mother f—-r in the room…”
• The Lady Killer. “After the killings begin, the forces of law and order and London’s underworld converge in a huge manhunt to track down this Lady Killer.”
• The Ripper. “In 1888 Jack the Ripper was the terror of the Whitechapel area of London, now there comes a new ‘Ripper’.”
• The Straight Shooter. “We have created the perfect killing machine!!! Now you have to smoke him. Three killer lengths, Tabletop 40, Floor 60, the Pickup T120, the longer the barrel the straighter the aim.”
• Mr Black. “Big, black and mean. Positively bad ass!! Very much the ‘leader’ of these four killers, being the most thoughtful and, let’s say, sane one. Well, not really… but he stays cool in heated situations.”

And on every page, the sign-off: Bongs Kill!! Killer Bongs!!

On the road

We took them to the trade shows, in the T-shirts.

Mike Hunt to the Avalon stand

At the London Hemp Show we were on stand 31. Avalon were there too. We kept getting the tannoy announcer to announce that Mike Hunt should go and meet their rep on the Avalon stand. And other stupid names. No, they were funny.

Same show, the weed-leaf costume people wandering about ended up having a little tussle. I thought it was hilarious.

As for Avalon, the owner retired and shut the business down. We thought he’d hand it over to that main member of staff, who’d worked with him forever and a day, but for some reason he didn’t. It clearly showed the mark of the man.

The end of Killer

It ended after one of the main suppliers stopped. Everybody stopped, because China and India nicked all the business. To carry on, we’d have had to buy a kilometre of black tubing. And by then the times had changed, so Axel sold it to a real cool Czech guy. And that’s another story.

Unfortunately, we can’t get these bongs any more, or make them any more, and I’m not sure whether there’s demand for them. If somebody fancies making us some, let’s have a go.

The Killer name is still going, though, on our Killer Premium 7mm glass filter tips.

Did you own a Killer? Still got one? Send us a picture.

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